In a recent conversation about the Bible, how each individual approaches it and processes it, I did my best to wrestle down an explanation on why writing is my processor. Let me first say I love teaching, it’s not a job, it’s one of the ways my heart breathes. I love it and it scratches an itch in my brain that carries creativity and humor. I feel alive communicating the new things that I’ve been learning as well as the things God has been storing inside me. Maybe with the right medication, or focus, I will become a great speaker. But currently, my mind can’t stay in one place long enough to carry on just one conversation. I often drift into several conversations, except they’re all with the same person, and I find myself rambling along and leaving the unfortunate person on the receiving end completely lost. “Was that a story about what you had for breakfast, or did I hear you say something about your Aunt’s cat getting her head slammed in a door?” Sorry, somehow one thought merged with another and then I remembered a funny story that I wanted to say before I forgot… uh never mind. There are times I’ve communicated well in teaching, and there are many others where I’ve spoken too fast and made brutal right turns in thought, which often left the audience with brain whiplash.
But in writing things slow down for me, and my brain seems to work the kinks out. My soul seems to grow fingers and they massage the keypad with the fluid passion of a classically trained piano player. I lose track of time as thoughts and feelings pour out of me that I didn’t even know I had. Words come to mind that I’ve never spoken aloud, and scripture will whisper into my ear almost audibly. If I’m at a coffee house, I often find myself looking around wondering if anyone else heard what was just spoken. I feel the warmth of being home, and I sense a purpose that is unmatched in anything else I do. The chaos, which can so often torture my soul and keep me awake at night, seems to fall asleep itself when I am writing. I find myself worshiping God with an intimacy and passion that cause tears to crawl out of my eyes without my knowing.
I do hope and pray that my writing will find publishing, but I don’t write to be published. I write to worship God, to process the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. I don’t even write because I want to, but because I have to. Writing is the language of my heart and most often the best worship I have to give.